Grief Support Library
At 28 and with an 11 week old baby the word "widow" was not in my vocabulary. It was Friday November 3rd, 2001. My husband and I planned to go out to eat and then stop at his mom's house to see the baby and then he was going out like usual and I was going home to sleep.
Dinner was wonderful and he got to play with the baby for a little while. Leaving his mom's house we separated with the usual kiss and be careful speech.
At around 4:05 a.m. the dog started to stir and so I figured he was home. Sometimes it was that late if he went to get breakfast with the others. Well he did not walk into the room and that is when I heard the knock on the door.
I went to answer it and my heart fell. A state trooper was at the door asking if this was his residence. All I could say was "Tell me that he is alive." He said nothing. He asked to come in and talk to me. I went to put some clothes on and sat on the couch. The trooper then told me that there was an accident and that my husband was dead. I asked him what happened and he said that another car was involved and they met head on. Both were killed.
The other person was only 20 years old. My husband was only 32 and a new father. They still have not told me what happened for sure. The boy was drinking and coming from a club, my husband was also coming from a lounge.
The trooper called my mom to come over and waited with me until she got there. My husband was an only child. The trooper would not send someone to tell his parents. I had to tell my in-laws that there only son was dead. That is something that I hope no one ever has to do. It broke my heart all over again.
Since the funeral I have moved in with my parents. I still have my house but I have not been able to go back into the bedroom for extended periods of time. My folks have been great about helping with the baby. I am so scared to be on my own. I have never been on my own, especially with a baby. I am taking things one day at a time, and doing the best that I can but it is hard.
I am mad. Mad at God, him and the other boy. Why him? Our baby is just 12 weeks old, I am not supposed to have to do this by myself. I don't even know if I can. I know that I don't want to. This sucks. But I hope that it will get better with time and I hope that my child grows up well adjusted, knowing that her daddy loved her and did not leave her of his own choice. I know that I will have to get some counseling here soon. There are just a few more things that I need to take care of first. Baby first then mommy.
Married 5/29/1999, daughter born 8/17/2001, widowed 11/3/2001.